It Gets Better at Brigham Young University

I never went to BYU but I used to be a Mormon. I remember standing up to an institute teacher once when he expressed sadness that a politician had to resign because he said he wanted to turn back the clock and not only make same-sex marriage illegal again but also bring back sodomy laws. I expressed my belief that while same-sex marriage wasn't allowed in our church that I thought it was fine if other churches and the state wanted to do it and that turning back the clock was wrong. I remember emphasizing that our church was supposed to honor free will and that I thought that didn't mean legislated our preferences for marriage and sex. My teacher disagreed with me. I left the church a few months later, not for this reason, for many others, but I'm glad that things are getting better and that at least GLBT Mormons are at the very least able to say who they are and that they aren't getting expelled for it anymore and can even form a community. Good for these brave young people, (who are creating change from within, they are the pioneers not their supposed inspired leaders). I do truly hope it gets even better and that of it doesn't you can feel free to leave this organization behind if it continues to lag behind the more progressive parts of society I accepting you and allowing you to form the family of your dreams, whatever that looks like to you.

I believe...

I have been participating in a facebook discussion where I challenged the idea that atheists find more acceptence in the world than christians. Of course, with some good-natured ribbing, I got push back from believers who trotted out typical atheist stereotypes - you know the ones I'm talking about...

Atheists

• are angry
• are smug
• don't believe in anything
• don't exist ie. someone said "I don't believe in atheists" (this one always makes me chuckle, as there is more evidence that atheists exist than that god exists)

Anyway, I've been neglecting this blog for far too long and writing about the things I do believe in seemed like an easy thing to post about.

The author of the blog, Releasing Religion, summarizes my feelings well...

"It is a common misconception that to be an atheist is to be a believer of nothing. On the contrary, to be an atheist can be an exquisite search for truth, just as passionate as any religious follower could be."

My atheism definitely started with a search for truth - and the journey was exquisite - sometimes exquisitely painful, exquisitely frustrating, and definitely exquisitely joyful. My journey started with dealing with the uncomfortable experience of facing the cognitive dissonance that was building between what seemed compassionate and real and what my church taught and I believed. Examining my cherished religious beliefs in light of obvious contradictions with my personal values and reality was probably once of the most intense periods of self-reflection of my life. Don't they say that the unexamined life isn't worth living?

My journey to atheism was not an overnight journey - it started with questioning the teachings of my church, broadening my view of what a just god would really be like, then searching for evidence of that god or a community that embraced that view. Finding none, I accepted that organized religion could got hold all that god probably is and slid towards agnostism. Finally I realized that proving god did or did not exist was pointless - the fact of the matter is that either way, it didn`t matter - I didn`t need to believe in god to lead a good life, be a good person, care for others, care for the world and its inhabitants, or to be grounded in values.

Everyone has values - no matter what supernatural powers people do or do not believe in. I`ve found that finding common values regardless of belief is how to build community and find meaning - doesn`t matter where you think those values come from. So without further ado - are are the things that I believe in - in no particular order.

I believe in compassion.

I believe in fairness.

I believe that human beings have the capacity for developing excellent solutions to complex problems.

I believe humans have a responsibility to care for others - because it makes our lives easier when there are people to care for us.

I believe that we need to leave the world a better place (or at least a habitable place) for future generations - because so far, it seems this is only place we humans really have to live.

I believe in working together to find solutions to the problems that face us in the here and now.

I believe in following your heart in a way that does not harm others.

I believe in standing up for people who cannot or will not stand up for themselves.

I believe in human rights and justice.

I believe that discrimination and prejudice should be identified and called out.

I believe that a secular public life built on shared humanist values protects everyone`s right to religion the best.

I believe that religious beliefs are best left to families and churches and that the state should not interfere in these beliefs unless those beliefs are acted upon in ways that infringe on others` human rights (ie. the belief that a husband has the right to beat his wife into submission, or that parents can deny their children medical care, honor killings, etc.)

I believe that men and women are equal.

I believe that children should not be abused and deserve the respect of their human dignity.

I believe that education is important and that the scientific method is really our best way of finding out about and understanding the world and the universe.

I believe in the golden rule - which has found its way into many philosophies and ancient religions and predates christianity.

I believe that there are many right ways to have a family - as long as there is love, support, commitment and fairness.

I do have a bias against religion, I`ll admit it, but I try to be respecful of people`s rights to believe. However, I do not think that religious ideas and ideals are off limits for criticism just because they are called religious. If an idea has merit, it should stand on it`s own, have support in the real world, and not be protected against discussion - as it is simply an idea that must stand on it`s own in the marketplace of values and ideas.

For someone who is an atheist and "doesn`t believe in anything", I find my heart and mind full - I could even say "my cup runneth over."

Peace!

Be a Better Spouse: Challenge #3

One of my new favourite blogs, Motherhood Uncensored, is challenging parents to be better spouses and giving out daily challenges. Today is all about remembering the good stuff, as it can be lost in parenthood. It's not about appreciating the parent they've become, but about remember what you loved about them before you became parents - why you fell in love with your spouse. So, as I'm low on blog ideas lately, I decided that this would be a chance to remember the good stuff about my amazing husband.

1. He makes me feel important.
2. He makes me laugh.
3. I like the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles.
4. He gave me the best compliment of my life when he said, "You are beautiful because you shine from the inside."
5. He is neat and orderly and helps out more than his share around the house.
6. He is affectionate and this has not faded over the years.
7. He is great with my family and has made them all love him.
8. He is surprisingly insightful when I least expect it.
9. He is hot! (although he disagrees with me on this point)

I love you babe! I'm so glad we're doing this crazy thing called life together.

Two Months

Dear Natalie,

I bet you thought you thwarted my efforts to take a picture of you in the dress Auntie Sheri gave you for your two month photo shoot by letting me dress you and then going to sleep for 12 HOURS! But you were wrong! I let you sleep in this cute little outfit, and when you woke this morning, we snuggled while I fed you, and then we had an early morning photo shoot. I need a faster camera though, by the time our camera takes the picture, your smile has faded. You're still cute and sweet as a button though!

This month started off with an introduction to your first social smiles. Let me tell you how fun it was for your father, grandmother Lupita, and I to see you first tentatively lift the corners of your mouth, then break out into a full-out, open-mouthed, bright-eyed, dimpled smile in reaction to our exclamations, smiles, and excited baby chatter. The first time it happened, I literally started jumping up and down! This happened over the New Year's weekend, and the quest was on to capture this delightful new development on camera!

We also received a very generous gift from Grandma Pam: your father likes to call it the escalade of strollers or da' bomb. It is a Mountain Buggy. We christened it by taking you for a stroll through West Edmonton Mall, where you briefly enjoyed the spectacle of new lights and sights before settling into a nap.

By the way, you are an excellent sleeper and I feel very lucky that you fall into the average number of hours of sleep for a newborn. From birth you have continued to sleep for about 15 - 18 hours per day, making this whole parenthood thing a very easy transition so far. I'm actually starting to worry that I won't know what to do with you once you become more alert and active.

Of course, having Grandma Lupita around for weeks 3 - 6 also made it very easy on me - what with all the help she offered in making meals for me and your dad, generously contributing more than her fair share to groceries, and snuggling and caring for you so I could take naps, clean the house, and do errands. Initially I was a little bit worried about having my mother-in-law stay for so long, especially since I don't speak Spanish and she speaks very little English. However, we communicated just fine, due to her efforts to learn and practice her English skills, and by the time you turned one month old, I actually started to worry about what we going to do without her when she left on January 10.



Thankfully, you remained the easy, happy, sleepy baby your are after Grandma Lupita left, but we sure do miss her help and I'm sure you miss her snuggles.

You continue to grow and develop on schedule and it is a treat to watch you discover your hands and feet. Yesterday you were so cute as you couldn't take your eyes off your flailing foot in the bath tub. You have been taking swings at the hanging toys on your rocker chair and sometimes you even make a hit, surprising yourself. I can't believe how much you've grown since you were born, you are almost too long for your 3 month outfits and I have already retired two outfits. But then I see you in your father's strong arms, and you seem small again and I am reminded that we still have time, precious time, to enjoy you as our little baby. No matter how fast that time flies, I am grateful for each moment.

This month was all about learning to get out of the house with you. And Grandma Pam helped us along by being in a situation that really required us to go and visit her every day. You were a highlight to the dreary days she spend in the hospital, but snuggling with you on a daily basis helped her get well and hopefully soon she will resume her habit of coming to bring me coffee in the mornings and enjoying your smiley time of the day.

Speaking of smiley time of the day, I got it on tape.

Thank you for lighting up my life this month. I love you so much!

Love,
Mom

One Month

Let's see how good I am at committing to a montly letter to my daughter. This is not an original idea - I originally saw this done at http://www.dooce.com/ and thought it was wonderful.

Dear Natalie,

You are now one month old, I can hardly believe how lucky your father and I are to have you in our lives. You are such a sweet baby and we really appreciate how calm and content you are. You have many nicknames now, and are referred to as: bebo, boo boo, chiquitita bonita, precious, bright eyes, sweetums, baby girl, and button. Sometimes I call you Natalie.

You spent the first week of your life in the hospital. You had quite the stubborn case of jaundice. Of course, you had three strikes against you - first I had gestational diabetes, then you and I have a blood type incompatability, and then you had quite the pointy bump on your head from being poorly position against my cervix before being delivered by c-section - all of which contributed to your bilirubin levels being so high. So we spent the first week of your life with me trying desperately to increase my milk supply and recover from a c-section and with you spending hours under LED phototherapy. You were a little princess and I appreciate that you took the treatment so calmly - resigning yourself to only being cuddled while you ate every 2.5 hours and sleeping peacefully in your little "tanning" bed. You only gave your father and I a couple of heart attacks by pulling your eye guard off a few times, but because you were sleeping and had you eyes closed, the nurses and doctors assure us you weren't going to go blind. You seem to see just fine, so I'll trust them on that - you'll probably end up with poor eye-sight anyway due to genetics on my side of the family.

We brought you home from the hospital exactly one week after you were born. We were thrilled to be home with you. I was really happy with the support and help I recieved from Grandma Pam (my mom), who brought me coffee in the mornings, snuggled you, and did housework for me in preparation to recieve my inlaws.

You have charmed all your grandparents - and you are very lucky to have three sets. My mom and her husband, my dad and his wife, and your father's parents. You also have two great grandfathers - my dad's dad and your father's dad's dad - and a great-grandmother, my mom's mom. When you were born, there was a second great-grandmother, unfortunately she has passed away. We attended her funeral together on Christmas eve, and I am very sorry you didn't get to meet her. She really would have been thrilled to meet her first great-granddaughter. I promise to tell you stories about her as you grow up.

While we feel very lucky to have you in our lives, I want to tell you that you are also a very lucky little girl. You are loved so much by your parents, your grandparents, your parent's cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends of the family. You are snuggly, but not demanding to be held. You seem just as content in our arms as you are in your sleeper chair, car seat, and crib. I hope you keep your content nature - your father and I are certainly committed to keeping you happy, safe, and content and have no plans to fail you in this regard.

So my little one, we have begun our journey together now and I am looking forward to every minute of it. We are so happy that you have made us such a happy little family of three. You have already grasped my heart - and while I won't speak for your father, I can't imagine sharing such a wonderful man with anyone but you. I'm sure it is true love between you two.

Your father's favourite picture

Love Mom

Things I Am Grateful For

Sorry for the absence - my days are full of cuddling, rocking, feeding, diapering, and enjoying Bebo. In the meantime, here are some things I am grateful for and some pictures.

1. My beautiful little baby girl who mostly just sleeps, eats, and entertains us with her very expressive face.
2. My husband, who continue to make me feel loved and special, even though there is a new love in his life (his daughter). He has taken to fatherhood with enthusiasm, love, and excitement in a way that even I couldn't imagine.
3. My family, with a special shout out to my Mom who brings me Tim Horton's coffee in the morning with delightful visiting time.
4. My inlaws, both my father and mother-in-law were here this week. We will be missing my husband's father who returned home to work, but my wonderful mother-in-law is staying an additional 3 weeks to help me take care of home and baby. (Even though she has never experienced a real Canadian winter before).
5. The excellent health care Bebo and I recieved while in the hospital and all the help and support of the public health nurses. I have been lucky enough to never have much use of our public health care system - but now that I've had a baby, a c-section, and a sick baby - I have new appreciation for all that we have in Canada - it's not perfect, but from my experience - it's pretty damn good.
6. My family's health - we are so glad that Bebo's jaundice has cleared up and there are no hospital visits in the forseeable future.
7. I am healing well from my c-section.
8. The time I have to stay home this year to take care of my baby - yay Canada for giving new parents the opportunity to care for their babies in the first year of life.
9. Being only two pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight!

Welcome Bebo!

On November 29, 2010, we welcomed Natalie Elizabeth (aka Bebo) into our family.

I went into early labor on Thursday morning and experienced increasing pains at various intervals for the entire weekend. My labor stopped and started a few times, and most of it was back labour - neither my husband and I got much sleep leading up to the big day. Being a first time mom, I had some trouble deciding when to go to the hospital and as a result got sent home twice during the weekend, but then the real thing happened and the third time was a charm - on Monday morning I was admitted at 4 cm dilation at around 6 am. A few hours later I got an epidural - goodbye back labour!!!

Unfortunately, my labor stalled for over 6 hours and I was given a c-section. I am recovering nicely. Bebo had quite high levels of bilirubin (jaundice) due to an OA blood type incompatibility, and required photo therapy treatments. Bebo was a doll the whole time, only fussing for a few minutes after we had to put on the mask. Doesn't she look like a princess, in her little nest?

The nurses took great care of us and we are now both getting into the swing of things at home. We are soooooooo in love with our little Bebo (the nickname my husband gave my tummy during pregnancy has stuck!)

Teaching Honesty from a Secular Point of View

For over half of my adult life I was pretty religious - a believing, practicing, faithful member of the LDS or Mormon Church. In 2004, I decided to leave the church behind me for a variety of reasons. Over the next year, I left the rest of my faith in Christianity and a personal God behind me as well. I now consider myself an atheist-leaning agnostic.

I do not believe in a god or gods mostly because I do not believe there is an objective way prove the existance of such a being. I can not prove that God does not exist, which is why I use an agnostic label, but I claim the athiest qualifier because I can no more prove that God doesn't exist than I can prove that invisible unicorns roam the earth - and I don't think it matters. Richard Feynman, a famous physicist, sums of my feelings on the subject best:

"I can live with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. I think it's much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong. I have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things, but I'm not absolutely sure of anything there are many things I don't know anything about, such as whether it means anything to ask why we're here. I don't have to know the answer. I don't feel frightened by not knowing things, by being lost in a mysterious universe without any purpose, which is the way it really is as far as I can tell. It doesn't frighten me."

It's a funny experience going from a religious worldview to a nonreligious worldview. It really seems to freak people out. Some people feel sorry for me, some people decided pull away from me - even though I support a person`s right to believe whatever they want as long as those beliefs do not turn into actions that harm others. Even my mother, who is not religious, but does believe in a higher power, has asked me how I plan to teach my children right from wrong without instilling a belief in God. Well, I simply believe "being good" has it's own rewards and "being bad" has it's own consequences - ones that play out in a very real way right here in this world.

For example, when I was a kid, my mom sent me to Sunday School and at Easter we would always watch the movie The Ten Commandments. As a christian child, I knew that one of the commandments was "Thou shall not tell lies." I was also vaguely aware that god was happy if I followed the commandments but would be angry if I didn't. While I cared about "being good" as a small believing child, in the moment that a lie would seemingly save my butt from getting grounded or a light spanking, I didn't remember those commandments too well - I just wanted to avoid earthly consequences - and sometimes lying worked!

However, whenever my mom did catch me in a lie, she turned it into a teachable moment - and this experience taught me more about why it is important to be honest than anything I ever learned in Sunday School. One of my earliest memories is from a time when I was maybe 4 or 5 years old. I had chipped away some paint on my bedroom wall and discovered that underneath the boring eggshell color was bright pink....oooo pretty!

So I started picking away at the eggshell to reveal the bright pink underneath, by the time my mom came to my room, there was a bright pink smilely face on my wall by my bed. She was mad and I could tell! The first words out of her mouth were "Did you do that?"

I could tell she was mad and that I would get in trouble so I said, "No, mommy." My mom rolled her eyes and said, "Deanna, I know you're lying, you were the only one in here." Oops! Ever notice what terrible liars kids are? So she told me to stay in my room until I told her the truth.

I cried for a bit, alone in my room, and then my mom, all calmed down, came in to talk to me.

She said, "Do you know why you shouldn't tell lies to people?"

Sniffling, I said, "why?"

"Because, Deanna, when you don't tell people the truth, they will not trust you. When trust is broken, it is very hard for someone to believe anything you say even if what you say is true, and trust is very hard to rebuild."

That always stuck with me. And even when I forgot this lesson and tried lying as child to get what I wanted or to get out of trouble, my mom would always send me to the person I lied to and make me tell the truth - and you know what - I could always tell that that person did lose their trust in me, it's something you can see in their eyes.

As an adult honesty is very important to me - not because it is a rule in an old book - but because I find my relationships are richer with people who trust me and whom I trust in return. This is one of the reasons I do not believe I will need to instill a belief in God to teach my kids right from wrong.

Thoughts on Expressing my Views

Dale McGowan recently posted a glowing review of The Humanist Approach to Happiness by Jennifer Hancock - a book that I have now placed on my own "to-read" list. A couple of the things that Dale said in this post really resonated with me. The first statement that hit me is one I have often felt myself:

For many years, virtually all of the books for nontheists had a kind of superhuman quality to them — stratospheric works of science or philosophy that blow your hair back with articulate rigor. I couldn’t read The End of Faith or pretty much anything by Russell or Hitchens without feeling both amazed and a little bit cowed by the intellectual horsepower.

I have definitely felt this way when reading Dawkins, Hitchens, Sagan, and Shermer - to mention a few. There are many topics I would like to write about - but whenever I begin to draft a post on a topic that is somewhat controversial like my interest in atheism, science, medicine, secularism, politics, education, etc., I begin to fear that I do not have the expertise to truly address the issue. I am not a hard-hitting scientist (or a scientist at all for that matter), I am not in staunch opposition to anyone who has any kind of religious belief, although I have left my own religious beliefs behind me. I`m just an ordinary person, who having once found myself to be completely accepting and believing of something I later found to be demonstrably false, has made a decision to live my life in a way that honours the values I hold dear without religion and who trys to apply critical thinking, logic, and sound knowledge when faced with decisions that affect my family`s well-being and happiness.

When I came across Dale McGown and his book "Parenting Beyond Belief", I was introduced to a sample of people who seem to be just like me: individuals who think deeply about their place in the world, how to be happy, and how to make the world we share a better place through their own unique contributions - all without religion. It was sooooooooo refreshing. I never doubted that I couldn't be happy without religion - the last 6 years have been great so far! - or that I could raise ethical caring kids without religion, but it was really, really nice to read about parents who are already doing this. Of the author of The Humanist Approach to Happiness, Dale says:

Jen never tries to speak universally. She speaks for herself, clearly and informally, thinking out loud about decision making, simplicity, honesty, body ethics, sex, vibrators, relationships, addiction, self-image, pooping, death, and more. ... The net effect is a conversation about everything with an intelligent, unpretentious friend.

This is how I want to express myself on this blog and I hope I find both the courage and grace to do so without worrying too much about how others may receive my thoughts and opinions. I want to express my gratitude for those who are part of the ongoing conversation and online community who are setting the example for me - many of whom you can find on my blog list.

Why I am grateful to be of this world...

One of my favourite people expressed some curiousity about why I chose to title my blog "Grateful to be of this World".

Well, I think that gratitude/appreciation is one of my top values - and I have ALOT to be grateful for. I consider myself to be a very lucky human being in many areas of my life. I also believe that as a human being, and having accepted the scientific evidence of evolution, I am definitely "of this world" and when I die I will return to this world - dust to dust and all that.

Expressing my gratitude and nuturing my feelings of gratitude brings meaning to my life. My gratitude is not only for the good things in my life that are just plain luck (like being born in Canada to great parents, my good health, etc.) but also for the people who have influenced the trajectory of my life.

Growing up I always believed in God, and as a young adult I was quite religious. Gratitude is a common value among many believers that I have and do associate with. As a believer, my gratitude for the good things in my life (and even the hard lessons) was often directed to God. Sometimes, I remembered to thank others as well, but other times thanking God was enough for me. As I let go of my belief in God, those feelings of gratitude did not go away. Finding other ways to show gratitude takes some thinking and effort now - and that is rewarding. Now I try to thank the people who were most often at the root of the very things I was grateful for. I find this action is not only rewarding to me - but also to those who recieve it. Below I will outline two example of things I am grateful for and how I express it.

I have excellent parents who provided all the necessities of life for my sister and I growing up. Although, everyone in my family would agree that we are not perfect and definitely not without flaws, we loved each other and we knew that we all loved each other. Genetically, I come from a fairly healthy background - there isn't a lot of cancer and disease in our family medical history. On the whole, we tend to live average to long lives without a lot of pain or discomfort. While this carries no guarantees, I know that others are not as lucky in this area - and I hope my luck continues. In the meantime, I thank my parents for getting married, having children, caring about me, encouraging me, attending to the things I needed to be successful, teaching me, and everything that goes into raising me into the independent, caring adult I have become. It may seem conceited to say, but I really like who I have become and the family I was raised by has ALOT to do with who I am. So I express gratitude to my family whenever I can. I know my mom and dad appreciate that a lot. This also helps me to remember not to take my family for granted (not always an easy task).

I am also grateful for the beauty of this earth. As a believer I used to credit God for it. Although I don't anymore, I am in no less awe of the processes of evolution, geological shifts, and other natural phenomena that make this planet so beautiful in its natural state. Instead of directing my gratitude to a being I'm not sure exists, I support people who try to preserve our natural resources, and support the scienctific discoveries that help us understand and take care of this planet better. This is the only world we, as humans, can comfortably live on right now; so we better learn and take care of it as much as we can. I am no environmentalist, but I care about, admire, and support and thank those who have taken up this cause. I show my appreciation and gratitude with words, and sometimes through giving. Whenever convenient, I try to participate in daily activites that will also preserve the beauty, utility and sustainability of our home - the world. This planet is uniquely situated, and was uniquely able (as far as we know) to allow life to seed and blossom as we know it today. It is quite the natural miracle. 

Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. ...Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

...There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.

-- Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot, 1994

This was some of the rationale for the name of my blog. 

Truly, as a human being, I am "of this world" - all living things are. I am grateful for it. Gratitude brings meaning and joy to my heart.